School of Hard Knocks

Salutations Kiwis!

Sometimes the little ones get into scrapes, and in order to maintain my credo ("I'm here for you-with limited availability"), I am steadfast in my mission to help those in need as best I can, for as long as I'm amused by it. Of course, Mylesie's sage counsel doesn't begin and end with the over-21 sector.  I don't discriminate.  Most problems are universal, and we can all learn from other people's stupidity, as will the plucky little urchin who was lucky enough to garner my attention in this week's installment of "Dear Mylesie."  Read on, dear ones!

Dear Mylesie,

In history class we are learning about slavery in America. We are watching a movie called "ROOTS" which is about the triangular trade. The first scene shows an African lady giving birth, and for some reason, the kids in my class started laughing at her. I sat there totally disgusted that they would laugh at someone who is in pain. What do I do if it happens again?

Signed,

Stunned at School

Dear Stunned,

Dear, does your "education" take place in a wooden shed with a dirt floor? I don't know what kind of low brow school in which you are enrolled, however, my first observation is that your institution of "learning" is sadly lacking in the education of its young charges in the areas of diversity, compassion, and character.  Tell me the truth:  You don't even have indoor plumbing there, do you, poor darling? 

You have a choice when these things happen, my little signet.  You could go along with these wretches, (pretending you think it's funny so that you will fit in), although from your letter, it seems you are trying to avoid doing just that.  The most dangerous, yet most tempting choice is to stay silent.  Really, dear, all you need to do on the front end of it is simply say calmly and out loud, "I don't think that's funny."  It will be difficult.  The other kids may argue or make fun of you.  You will live through that.  Be brave, dumpling.  Your own character is at stake here.  Tell a parent, teacher, or close family friend about what you're going through, and have them help you to further understand why it is vital to remain compassionate, and to refuse to be silent, and to stand up for those who don't have a voice.  Read up on World War II and fascism.  Hitler didn't do all that damage by himself, sweetie-pie, and he also couldn't have done it without a lot of people looking the other way. 

Second, if the behavior of your classmates continues in the same vein, you may be forced (preferably with the help of adults) to make the leaders of the school aware that there is an unacceptable culture of mean-spiritedness in their hallowed halls. Ask for help with this.  Get others involved if you can.

What you must not do is nothing.  Go forth and testify, child.  I know you can do it, as my readers are all stalwart and courageous (and occasionally gluttons for punishment, which is another topic altogether). Good luck, lambkin!  Be intolerant of intolerance!  You have Mylesie on your side!

Flirting with Disaster

My dear little kumquats, from time to time, Cupid does play wretched tricks on us. We’re trudging along, minding our own business, and suddenly we find ourselves pierced by his arrow of forbidden affection. We may be tempted to dally with scenarios that are taboo. Dalliances can be thrilling and fun—and they can lead to heartbreak. I have heard from countless readers as to the difficulty in finding a fun, attractive, suitable mate.  “Mylesie,” they exclaim, “why can’t I just find someone like you?!”  Then they go on to describe the harrowing situations and misunderstandings they have found themselves in because they don’t feel worthy of having everything they ever wanted. They feel used, lonely, hurt, and in despair. 

Well, kittens, the plain truth is:  you are ARE worthy of having everything you ever wanted.  You must not give in to temptations that will lead to your ultimate misery or keep you from focusing on what you really want from your life.  If you don’t believe me, ask me, as this smart reader did:

Dear Mylesie,

I have been in touch with many old friends on Facebook. I have reconnected with an "old crush" recently and discovered that those "old" crush feelings have bubbled to the surface just like in high school. Wow!  Who knew I was just one click away from a relapsed crush? Of course, our lives are so different now.  The other person is married with children, but the temptation to flirt is very hard to resist!! Oh, what to do Mylesie? Please squeeze some sense out of this!!

--Tempted in Tiverton


Dear Temp

What to do, indeed! You don’t say whether you are married, but it doesn’t matter sweet cheeks.  Even if you begin “a little harmless flirtation,” the question is, how do you see it playing out?  Yours truly has no problem with flirtation in and of itself—in fact, not a day goes by that one of my many admirers doesn’t bat his or her eyelashes and flash winning smiles in my direction.  The difference between you and Mylesie in this instance, kitten, is that I am not confused in the slightest about where such displays will and (more to the point) will not lead.

Yes, darling, I called you “Temp,” and I always have a reason for these little plays on words.  Sometimes it’s to express my vast and amazing cleverness, however, in this case, I am using it as a little cautionary metaphor.  If your love monkey is married, with children no less, “temp” is what you shall be—as in temporary. The truth is, there is no sense to be squeezed out of this.  This has nowhere to go but badly.  It occurs to me that you are entertaining this little scenario because it’s “safe.” You are thinking, “better to know it will end in disaster so I won’t be surprised and come unhinged.” You are confused, and must therefore put the kibosh on this flirtation with your old, annoyingly married crush before you find yourself broken and humiliated on the side of the road, wallowing in your own urine, shame, and regret.  Hyperbole aside, darling, wouldn’t you really rather have someone who can have you?  Let’s aim for that, shall we?

License to Drive One Crazy

Hello my little plum puddings!  Chauffeuring one's friends and loved ones is a "responsibility" of enormous proportions (one which Mylesie rarely undertakes, as she prefers to remain unencumbered while behind the wheel of her famously gas-efficient Atomic Blueberry).  It's a common dilemma:  You want to help someone while simultaneously wanting to strangle them.  Or, you are (for whatever reason) at the mercy of a friend who seems to have obtained their driving license at Clown College (not that there's anything wrong with Clown College).   

Driving someone around--especially in a vehicle!-- is often a stressful and difficult experience for both rider and driver, as you will see in our next little installment of "Dear Mylesie."  Thank goodness the writer of the next letter had the presence of mind to contact yours truly to run interference! Disaster and/or bloodshed may just be avoided.  Take heed, kittens!  

Dear Mylesie

You are the only one I can turn to for sane, objective advice!  My friend is very dear to me, and she depends on me for rides to appointments, and to pick up her kids from school, but she harps on my driving so much that it makes me nervous! "Speed up!" "Don't tailgate!"  How can I let her--and my other friends who won't shut up about my driving--know how annoying this is?

Granted, I tend, for safety's sake, to drive extremely slowly compared to others on the road.  So slowly in fact, that I do become distracted at times and forget to stop at stop lights, or miss my turns, or turn right in front of someone--but not too often! If something happened to my friend or her children while I was driving, I would never be able to forgive myself.  Please!  Tell my friend to stop criticizing me! 

--Being Driven Crazy

Dear Crazy,

Oh dear.  You were wise to write in! You sound like a very caring person, and so generous to drive your friend and her spawn around town.  Criticism in the car, no matter how well meaning, can further disrupt the driver's concentration, which could result in disaster, or at the very least, an unwanted seat wetting!  Your friend must do her best to keep quiet about your driving, (unless of course she is shrieking for you to STOP THE CAR! because you are about to hit that dog/child/drive thru sign/truck full of tomatoes).  Let her know that her comments are detrimental and distracting to your driving, that they make you nervous, and unless she is addressing an immediate, impending disaster, she must keep her yap shut. 

But wait!  There's more, Crazy.  It begs the question:  might you also be texting, talking on the phone, drinking coffee, and putting on your makeup while you are driving ultra slowly and running stoplights?   Stop fiddling with the radio or your MP3 player.  Quit trying to eat a 7 course meal and do your taxes while behind the wheel!  Pick up the pace to the flow of traffic and PAY ATTENTION!  It's no wonder your friends are terrified and complaining. Even if you are "simply" driving more slowly than everyone else, you are endangering the lives of your friend, her children, and most importantly: Mylesie, who is probably on the road defensively driving in an attempt to avoid you! For God's sake, are you mad?!

There.  I've said it.  I know it was harsh, but sometimes kittens, Mylesie must dispense with the tough love.  Now let's all be careful out there!

Avoiding the "Try" Angle

Well, darlings, the next letter is a common scenario.  When we are in a relatively happy relationship with a partner, we are at some point confronted by admirers in our everyday lives. (Of course, Mylesie's admirers are legion!) The letter carrier gets "carried away;" the delivery person wants to deliver more than the expected "package;" or a co-worker, as in the case of our reader in this installment, sets sights on you as a potential mate--and I don't mean office mate.  A coffee here, a drink there, the occasional walk, and then suddenly you find yourself in a very compromising position involving grape jelly and fishing line in the elevator at work!  How did you get here?!  The advice from yours truly may seem a bit Puritanical, but (and believe me, Mylesie is no prude) I daresay it is a slippery slope from interested casual acquaintance to dramatic, tearful exit scene or baby-mama.  Mylesie understands, but does not condone this nonsense.  Keep it in your pants, kittens!

Dear Mylesie:

I’ve recently been working out of town and late a lot.  Lately, my co worker (let’s call her Rachel)  has been totally hitting on me!  She's sending flirtatious emails-- inviting me out for the all too familiar lesbian coffee, and vying for movie dates.  I’ve been with the same partner for years now, and while our relationship isn’t perfect, I still love her.  I haven’t told Rachel that I am “married.”  It just never seems to come up in conversation.  I’ve told my partner about Rachel, and she “jokingly” suggested I stab Rachel in the heart and take her money.  I don’t want to hurt Rachel’s feelings, and I would really like to have a friend to pal around with during lunch or after work.  How should I handle this?

Thanks,

Rattled in Rhode Island

Dear Rat,

My first question is why is it taking you so long to inform this usurper that you are with partner?  Could it be that you are a bit blinded by flattery and giddy with the prospect of “forbidden” love?  You are treading on dangerous ground, Rat.  Your partner, (who seems to be at the very least clever and entertaining) is sending you a warning with her thinly veiled “joke.”  She doesn’t like it—and rightfully so.
 

Unless you want a costly divorce, or at the very least, bloodshed, you must nip this blossom of the “love that dare not speak its name” right in the proverbial bud.  Inform Rachel immediately that you are happily married, and uninterested in her romantic pursuit.  I am not sure why you would be risking it, but if you truly wish to be friends with Rachel, you should be very careful. You must keep yourself out of harm’s way and above reproach by only socializing with the home wrecker in public places.  With witnesses.  No alcohol soaked Yahtzee! matches in your hotel room, or drives to quiet wooded areas.  And for God’s sake, do not send her confusing messages by making her a mixed tape or licking her ear.
 

Also, it might be wise to keep your partner away from sharp objects for a while.  Good luck!

The Old "Evil Boss" Bit

Darlings!  Getting up and going to work every day (assuming one has not lost one's position of employment in the recent economic debacle), is difficult in even the best of circumstances, but “people problems” is listed as the #1 reason for drinking on the job and public urination.  It is sad that my dear reader has taken that unfortunate turn.  Thank God s/he has come to Mylesie—let’s hope it’s not too late, kittens, but in any case, it’s grist for the mill.

Dear Mylesie:

How can I deal with a difficult boss? The boss is sooooo out of touch with my perspective that it is like working on Mars with Uranus expectations!! HELP!!!!

--At My Wit’s End in Schenectady

Dear Wit’s End,

Is your boss "sucking the fun out" of every element of your job?  Would you rather jam a pen in your eye than go in to work every day?  When your boss walks down the hall, do you pee a little?  You already know the answer to all of this, Wit’s End. While I wouldn’t recommend immediately up and quitting, I would definitely be sharpening up the old resume.  Call in favors from your contacts, or better, take a week or two to really think about where you want to focus that crazy, creative energy that is just dying to be unleashed. You can get a crap job anywhere. But now, where will you go (and go you eventually MUST)  to do your life’s work?

That being said, Mars is bad enough, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be anywhere near Uranus.